The Shitty City.

I fake it so real, I'm beyond fake.

 

IF a girl making $25,000 a year at a magazine, is telling you how to style the clothes from your clothing line, then you are NOT a designer: Watching Whit Whit fumble with the few brain cells left in her head, desperately trying to put together TWO LOOKS around TWO PIECES OF CLOTHING from her "clothing line" at the Glamour offices was agonizing. When Whit Whit said that she had "a hard time making decisions," especially in the absence of the other-half of her brain (Roxy), a stylist from Glamour had to suggest that Whit Whit find inspiration in the accessories available in the room. One more time folks: she's styling around her "own" clothes. [blank stare] Should Whit Whit really be designing clothes?

When things started going to the left: Roxy's diarrhea of a mouth described the look she styled for Whit Whit (when she finally showed up to the meeting LATE, looking like last night's party) as  "hooker-ballerina." What exactly IS a "hooker-ballerina?" I get it, Roxy's a freak but when styling is reduced to an individual who pirouettes on a corner in Jackson Heights for a fiver, then we've got a serious problem on our hands. 

And when things returned to center: Kelly, the God, had to remind Roxy that being a freak is only appropriate on Halloween and in Usher's new music video. Otherwise, "if you're an assistant, you don't say things like that because its not appropriate especially if you're at a Conde Nast magazine that's THAT girlie." Remember, when it comes to Roxy, "I've never been wrong." -- thus spake the God.

A collection is more than one skirt: All I heard about in this episode from the girls at Glamour -- "everyone here loves THE skirt." A collection is not a skirt. I understand that Glamour is doing a feature on Whit Whit but one skirt from her entire collection? Not a good sign for the future of Whit Whit's collection (see the $5 bin at a future sample sale). 

Olivia can talk to a park bench: from this episode, I've learned the following about Olivia -- she contributes little to nothing at Elle, she's met everyone "a couple of times," is best friends with Leighton and Blake (see Gossip Girl) and can talk to a park bench. If these are the pre-requisites for employment with Elle magazine, then I can be the bloody Editor-in-Chief.

And if you take away nothing else from this post: Zeno Hot Spot does NOT work. If you were bamboozled into purchasing this Tonka facial product, shame on you. You buy things that are pitched by a brain-dead, bird look-a-like that can't even style her "own" clothes (not to mention she's wearing MAKE UP in a PIMPLE ZAPPING commercial). I hope you saved your receipt.

The Shitty City 

The tragic kingdom.

As hard as Gwen Stefani's 40 year-old abs: I have to commend my palsied faced friend Erin, as she really took on for Elle. She not only thanked Olivia for her obviously horrendous interview of Anna Sui backstage during fashion week, but did it so convincingly! Had it not been for the frozen look of hatred on the left side of her face, I would have actually thought she meant what she said to Olivia! 

Hipster out, hipster in: For the last two seasons, (really, two seasons of this madness?) I was thoroughly entertained with the filthy tramp named Jay, WhitWhit's Australian rocker/hipster/druggie ex-boyfriend. Fated from the very beginning, courtesy of MTV's brilliant writers, I enjoyed watching a girl from the Hills be haphazardly placed with a LES artistes and waiting for the obvious to dawn on the dimWhit: wild animals can't be tamed, and certainly not by blank stares and static brain activity. Insert Zack the "gorilla" photographer, who shoots naked people on subways. Only this time around, he's being set up as Roxy's love interest. 

Outside of the Jersey Shore, "the situation" is not okay: In fact, "the situation" is barely okay ON the Jersey Shore. When Zack feebly attempted to ask Roxy out by inquiring as to her "situation," I almost died laughing. What the hell is that? Is he trying to find out if she has rock-hard abs like OG Stefani? Or is he trying to find out if she has HPV (because lord knows I can't watch ANYTHING on online these days without being bombarded with HPV awareness commercials)? I need clarification on what exactly IS the situation -- and apparently Roxy does too because she had to ask her eternally single friend WhitWhit.

Real takk from the God: Kelly on presenting WhitWhit's "collection" to editors for press -- "basically this is like clothes waitressing [...] it's important to know who you are pitching to. Take Ladies Home Journal, target audience of women, 23 - 45, mom in middle America [picks up a multi-colored mini skirt and holds it out] she's probably not going anywhere in this anytime soon." <3

Olivia spits hot fire like Dy-lan in Chappelle's skit: I guess no one taught Roxy how to properly follow - up to a business email. I also guess no one taught Roxy how to ask for a favor. I'm going to have to give this one to Olivia, she served Roxy's unprofessional J Brand covered ass right back to her over the phone for having the gall to call an hour before the closing of WhitWhit's collection viewing especially since it's 1) not her job and 2) she's asking for a favor for someone she's not even friends with! It's a good thing Roxy doesn't really work for/at People's Revolution, I don't think that agency can handle anymore colossal fuck ups. 

Wait a minute: does Elle have ANY OTHER HALLWAYS IN THEIR BUILDING because if I have to see Olivia do her best Kate Moss to-and-from her desk each week, I might just have to kill myself. Please, MTV, shoot ANOTHER HALLWAY! You guys have pretty much 1st degree murdered this one. 

Olivia, you are not smarter than a 5th grader: In a city that houses Parsons, FIT, NYU and a shit-ton of wannabes from RISD and every other top fashion school in the country, let alone W O R L D, Olivia Palermo, self-professed New Yorker, was unable to find a SINGLE young, new and emerging designer to present at her meeting with Elle's staff. [blank stare]

The Shitty City Returns 

 Oh the unmitigated fakery of it all!

More fantasy than The Neverending Story: Whitney Port opens this episode discussing her upcoming Whitney Eve show during New York Fashion Week. At Bryant Park. Under the infamous tents. With a front row slated to be packed with industry who's who. You know, something that every aspiring designer in the world only has wet dreams about. And though 99.9% of the designers who show at fashion week usually spend several months preparing for this very moment, WhitWhit has approximately a week to take her 17 piece "collection" (see Season 2 for its verbal destruction from editors and buyers for being grossly underdeveloped) to a full 24. And put together a show for fashion week. At Bryant Park. Under the infamous tents. But we're not talking about what's going on in the real world -- rather in MTV's fashion Fantasia, where "aspiring" designers like WhitWhit can come into fashion week, riding high on the back of a dragon dog, with an amazingly cohesive collection, in a matter of days. [cue the music from the soundtrack!]

At Elle, hell has frozen over -- time to get out the skates: My girl Erin has decided to open up her ice cold heart and allow a for truce with Olivia Palermo for the sake of Elle. Of course, they are still going to fight, I mean, why else would Olivia still be "working" at Elle? (cough/free publicity for Elle during a major nationwide publications crisis/cough) I also see Joe Zee managed to locate his white-gold plated balls and put these bickering broads in their respective places! No ultimatums from Erin and no interrupting J. Zee when he's talking Olivia! For now, we're done. Thank you. 

The return of the god, Kelly Cutrone: I'm soooo glad that Kelly is on board for WhitWhit's fashion debut. You know, someone with sage advice like, " it's weeks and weeks of prepping and then in 3 minutes its over. It's like a bad fuck" and "let me tell you something, if this show doesn't go well, you're fucked" oh and this jewel, "average people like to be average, you know? Nobody bothers them." While WhitWhit is soaring around the city in Jimmy Choos, Malandrino dresses on the back of dragon dog, Kelly is here on earth, where fashion shows are happening and require focus and preparation. Kelly doesn't have time for fantasy and finding the self. She wants to make MONEY.

Stop ta-ta-talking that blah, blah, blah: From accessories editor to journalist, Olivia only reaffirms her uselessness. Way to ask the tough questions O! @ Anna Sui after her show during New York Fashion Week: "What was your inspiration for this season?" [because Anna Sui hasn't been ask THAT question by EVERY SINGLE JOURNALIST ON EARTH] "With such a big year and you won the CFDA award and I was there..." [That's not a question. Jigga Man asked you to ask QUESTIONS. Further, this interview is about Anna Sui and not about your cameo at the CFDAs] "And that's wonderful and will you say hi to Elle.com for us?" [Snooze] If Elle wants to have a wing and a prayer of getting people to their website (and buying their magazine), find a real journalist to cover the major events or someone with a personality, someone with some attitude...someone like moi??